The motorist douchebag list

"" (bignslow) 01/04/2014 at 13:53 • Filed to: douchebags

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Upon my daily commute to and from work I see a lot of douchebags on the road. I decided to come up with a name and definition for each one.

The snob douchebag

vehicle of choice - luxury sedans

BMW/Mercedes/Lexus/Infiniti owner who thinks just because he paid over 50 grand for his car he can drive however he feels like. Turn signals are optional. Speed limits are a mere suggestion. Tail gating is the norm.

Random window sticker douchebag

vehicle of choice - economy cars, pick up trucks. Most over 5 years old.

You know the type, we've all seen them. Driving a Cavalier or a Sunfire usually without wheel covers. Driver usually spots a flat brimmed hat and is in love with his cell phone.

Left lane douchebag

vehicle of choice - various

We come across these every day in our travels. They get on the highway and drive in the left most lane of the traffic usually going barely over the speed limit and clogging up traffic while talking on cell phones, consuming food and applying make up all at the same time .

Fast and Furious douchebag

vehicle of choice - cheap econoboxes, mostly Asian.

These guys just finished watching Fast and a Furious and realized that their Honda Civics are 10 second race cars. You will typically see them speeding, weaving in and out of traffic and generally disregarding traffic laws. Not to be confused with "snob douchebags". These guys can't afford to pay 50k for their cars.

Need For Speed douchebag

vehicle of choice - super cars, sports cars or luxury cars with a price tag over $100k.

Much like the "Fast and Furious douchebag", these guys have little regard for traffic laws. They do however have lots of money and can afford traffic fines and lawyers.

Law enforcement douchebag

vehicle of choice - Ford Crown Victoria, Chevy Impala, Dodge Charger

Douchebags come in all forms, even those wearing a uniform. They speed without lights or siren. They roll through stop signs. They talk on cell phones. They don't wear seatbelts. We've all seen it at one time or another.

BSing douchebag

vehicle of choice - verious

You may come across BSing douchebag at a car show, shopping center or any other public place. This type of douchebag likes to brag about his car often greatly exaggerating performance specs and listing non existing modifications or fictional factory options.

Charter douchebag

vehicle of choice - a bus

If you are driving a bus you have zero reason to be in the left lane going 2 mph over the speed limit. This is exactly where these douchebags operate. Once in the left lane they accumulate a line of cars behind them and refuse to move over to the right for 10 miles and when they do they stay there long enough to let 2 cars pass before moving back over to the left.

oldirtybootz >  01/04/2014 at 14:03

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They're all assholes, but the cops probably piss me off the most because I can't even say "I hope you get pulled over, dickhead" because the dickhead in question is a cop. Around here, they always speed, often have head/tail lights out, ignore "no right on red" signs, roll through stop signs, use their emergency lights to get through intersections, and are just generally all overpaid assholes.

theloudmouth >  01/04/2014 at 14:10

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As a driver of both a BMW coupe and a Saab wagon (Saabaru FTW!), who ALWAYS uses their turn signal and would pull over any asshat who doesn't if I was a cop, I would like to point out one thing:

When I drive my Saab and my BMW the exact same way on the exact same roads at the exact same time of day the response of other drivers is as follows:

Saab: Zero

Bmw: Arm-flailing, middle fingers, yelling, over-the-top tail gating (as in, I legally and safely pass them when they are under the limit and they then go 5-10 over and tailgate me just because).

Singhjr96 >  01/04/2014 at 14:18

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what about the econuts who are trying to "help save the environment" by driving priuses. They then go and try to make themselves feel better about themselves by saying that priuses are better than that big ass truck of yours, when in reality, the prius is the biggest lie the automotive industry has ever told. HYBRIDS SUCK! WHOO GIANT GAS GUZZLING SUV'S And V12s!!! WHOOOOOO

I'm sure we've all seen this video.

Milky >  01/04/2014 at 14:21

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Awesome list, and I'm glad that first gen SC walked past that Civic.

Arben72 > theloudmouth 01/04/2014 at 14:27

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I drive both a e92 and a lesbowagon (forester). I can't agree with you more. The main thing I notice in my e92 is more people speed up to pass me and slow down after they're infront of me like a passive aggressive driver. I never notice that and I drive the same way in my forester, atcually a bit more agressive in it, yet it's still ignored.

SteyrTMP >  01/04/2014 at 14:29

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One of my favorite bumper stickers: "Forget world peace—visualize your turn signal"

Singhjr96 > Singhjr96 01/04/2014 at 14:32

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OH, and prius drivers are also super bad asshat drivers. believe it or not they were recorded as being one of the most aggressive drivers, right under blue bmw drivers.

Dusty Ventures > theloudmouth 01/04/2014 at 14:35

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You're not fooling anyone. We all know BMWs don't have turn signals

KB Garage > Arben72 01/04/2014 at 14:41

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+1 for lesbowagon.

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > Singhjr96 01/04/2014 at 14:45

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It is times like these that I approve of rolling coal. If this was me, I would've told her how her prius got her battery, and then proceeded to leave, whilst filling her car with a decent dose of CO2, and tire smoke

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 >  01/04/2014 at 14:46

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A Mustang GTR with a turbo rotary, with headers, and you know pistons. LMFAO, what a dumb ass.

theloudmouth > Arben72 01/04/2014 at 14:50

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I should have mentioned mine is an E92 as well. They're both black also so it's not like it's the color that means anything.

Ha on the turn signals. Funny thing is, BMW's have the GREATEST turn signal feature. It may sound stupid but the "triple turn signal" means all you have to is flick the stalk with your left hand without ever taking it off the wheel during lane changes. So there is ZERO excuse not to use it.... Unless you're a tool that drives with your left hand at 12' constantly.

Dingers Ghost, Champion Jockey >  01/04/2014 at 15:02

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Well, I guess I'm a member of the "Random window sticker douche bag" club. Although, I don't wear flat brims and I hate my phone.

Makoyouidiot >  01/04/2014 at 15:28

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I am a Fast and Furious dbag. Cept I haven't seen the movies. Still, I drive my Fiat (pasta rocket?) 5-10 over and weave through all the things. Then I have to get over and let 5 brotrucks go by. Because Texas.

Arben72 > theloudmouth 01/04/2014 at 17:15

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Their really is no excuse on not using the turn signals on a bmw, they're just in the perfect spot. Definently the most comfortable to use out of all the cars in my household (everything from a 90s maxima to a w221). But you gotta hold the wheel at 12', how else dem girls gonna see your watch and know you rich?

Skif6996 >  01/04/2014 at 19:45

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Have to point out that when the guy in that lexus wrecks (because he is racing and filming it at the same time) he will die because he didnt replace his airbag. While we all laugh at the slow ricer civic banging off the rev limiter, I am also laughing at the chances of this guy winning a Darwin award.

Bubbles22 >  01/04/2014 at 23:48

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Turn signals? Screw that! Then you people will know where I'm going.

Philbert/Phartnagle >  01/06/2014 at 19:47

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If this is on I may turn left, if it is not on, I may turn left anyways.

ihm96 > theloudmouth 01/13/2014 at 19:30

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Except when you go to turn the turn signal off after a lane change and then it just puts on the other signal, and so on as I get very angry. Haha I've only driven my moms 2013 cooper s a few times but I find that bmw turn signal to be annoying because of the way it pops back to the middle

Chase >  01/13/2014 at 19:50

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Hey! I'm one of those sticker douchebags -.-'
(I agree with you on these, even my own category, I just feel the need to defend myself XD)
-I don't own a flatbrim (hell, I hardly wear hats at all)
-I do love my cell phone, but thats because its a nearly brand new Moto X (and my first smartphone)
-I have lots of stickers, mostly ski companies/ski mountains and rowing companies (not random to me)

My problem with stickers is when they are placed in the right 2/3rds of the window (ie, rear view and passenger side). Nearly all of mine are directly behind my seat, where i couldn't see out of even if there weren't any stickers. The three on the right top/bottom, while on the window, don't actually impede view due to the glass overlap on my truck .

(this is slightly out of date, as there is now an Oppo sticker on there, and I'm looking to add my blipshift sticker somewhere as well)

Overall though, great job on the list!

EtrnL_Frost > theloudmouth 01/14/2014 at 22:55

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Agreeing wholeheartedly hear, in my experience. I can drive like an ass in the MINI and people are all smiles. However, if I grandfather around in the BMW, suddenly I'm some crazed people-hating carpocalypse on wheels.